Go check out your Instagram feed, and guaranteed you know someone who has acquired a puppy while in quarantine. “How cute!” you squeal, jealous that Jill from fourth grade has a fluffy new golden-doodle puppy to snuggle and play with. You watch the pictures pile up, liking and commenting on every new outfit and selfie of the new proud parents. “I could absolutely take care of a puppy,” you exclaim, furiously Googling for local rescues and breeders trying to locate that one fluffer-noodle that is going to steal your heart. Staring through your cuteness-goggles, you know for sure that everything is going to be perfect!
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m here to drop some truth. Adopting a puppy sucks! Think burning your hand on a hot pot and stubbing your toe on the counter kind of suck, but after you accidentally stepped in a mud puddle that was a foot deeper than you expected kind of suck. Only the puddle has tiny needle teeth that constantly need to bite any and every inch of exposed skin it possibly can (but we’ll get there).
Puppies are blank slates. They know nothing and often times can’t even walk a straight line. Keeping a puppy’s attention is like expecting a 5 year old baseball player not to chase butterflies in the outfield. It’s unreasonable. How are you supposed to leash train a being as fragile as a dry leaf on the sidewalk. Leaf? You mean the most funnest thing to chase ever? Yup, you lost your puppy.
Okay, but puppies shouldn’t know how to walk on leash. I’ve talked about that. And they really are adorable when they pounce on that leaf …
Fun fact: Did you know science has proven that if your puppy needs to pee, they will select that area closest to, but not on, their pee pads? It’s true. Also, a survey of 6 recent puppy parents says that a puppy is guaranteed to pee inside either just before going for a long walk, or immediately after you return from one. I’m just reporting facts people. It’s basic statistics. You know who has to clean up all of those messes? You! How did we get here?
AND THOSE TEETH! Why is it that baby animals are equipped with the most finely sharpened daggers that they instinctively know to latch on to every bare patch of skin? Covering yourself in 4 hoodies and doubling up on pants won’t help. So, um, I’m told.
Oh, and you’ve slept enough for the next several years, right? Puppies have an internal clock that works on the exact opposite schedule of everyone who adopts them. Again, it’s science. A puppy in North America is acutely in sync with the rising and falling suns in Australia. It’s amazing, check it out sometime.
All of this is assuming you can even FIND a puppy. Resilient Hearts has adopted out 28 puppies to date, and every family has told us how long and difficult their search for a new puppy was. Simple fact is, there are a lot of suckers out there just like you that are competing for the right to sleepless nights of puppy pouting and the lingering dread of the smell of puppy poo wafting up from the floor. Shelters and rescues alike are tapped out on puppies the minute they become available for adoption. Suckers I say, all of them.
I have to ask: Jill, how have you not pulled all of your hair out with your puppy yet? What, your puppy has figured out how to potty in the grass consistently? It only took a week of training? Puppy classes have lessened her biting? Yes, but … no, you’re right, that pic of her with the leaf on her head is adorable. Wow, the rescue you worked with has been helping out with training tips, too?
You do seem happy, I guess maybe it was worth it? Oh, yea, sure, I’m up for a selfie.
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